Five Communication Mistakes Couples Make (And How to Fix Them)
Communication is often cited as the foundation of a healthy relationship, yet it’s one of the most common areas where couples struggle. The good news? Most communication problems stem from a few key mistakes that can be corrected with awareness and practice.
Mistake 1: Bringing Up Issues at the Wrong Time
The Problem
Trying to discuss important matters when one or both partners are tired, stressed, or rushing out the door rarely leads to productive conversation. Emotions run high, and neither person is truly present.
The Solution
Choose your timing wisely. Before raising a concern, ask yourself: “Is now a good time for both of us to have this conversation?” If not, schedule a specific time when you can both focus without distractions.
Try saying: “There’s something I’d like to discuss. Can we set aside 30 minutes this evening after dinner?”
Mistake 2: Using “You Always” or “You Never”
The Problem
Absolute statements like “You always forget” or “You never listen” immediately put your partner on the defensive. These generalizations are rarely accurate and shift the focus from the specific issue to defending against an unfair accusation.
The Solution
Use “I” statements that focus on your feelings and specific situations rather than character judgments.
Instead of: “You never help around the house”
Try: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m managing all the household tasks. Could we discuss dividing responsibilities?”
Mistake 3: Mind Reading
The Problem
Assuming you know what your partner is thinking or why they did something leads to misunderstandings. We often project our own motivations onto others, which can be completely inaccurate.
The Solution
Ask, don’t assume. When you’re unsure about your partner’s intentions or feelings, express your uncertainty and invite them to share.
Instead of: “You’re clearly not interested in spending time with me”
Try: “I’ve noticed we haven’t spent much time together lately. What’s going on for you?”
Mistake 4: Interrupting or Planning Your Response
The Problem
When your partner is speaking, are you truly listening, or are you mentally crafting your rebuttal? Interrupting or waiting for your turn to speak prevents genuine understanding.
The Solution
Practice active listening. This means giving your full attention, acknowledging what you’ve heard, and asking clarifying questions before responding.
Try this approach:
1. Listen without interrupting
2. Summarize what you heard: *”So you’re feeling frustrated because…”*
3. Ask: *”Did I understand that correctly?”*
4. Only then share your perspective
Mistake 5: Bringing Up Past Issues
The Problem
When discussing a current problem, dragging up past grievances (“And another thing, last month you…”) derails the conversation and makes resolution impossible. It signals that past issues haven’t truly been resolved.
The Solution
Stay in the present. Focus on the specific issue at hand. If past patterns are relevant, acknowledge them generally without listing specific incidents.
Instead of: “This is just like that time you forgot our anniversary, and when you cancelled our holiday…”
Try: “I’ve felt disappointed before when plans change, so it’s important to me that we communicate clearly about commitments.”
Building Better Communication Habits
Changing communication patterns takes time and conscious effort. Here are practical steps to get started:
1. Create a safe space: Agree that during important conversations, you won’t walk away, raise voices, or use hurtful language
2. Take breaks when needed: If emotions escalate, take a 20-minute break and return to the conversation
3. Express appreciation: Balance difficult conversations with regular appreciation for what your partner does well
4. Seek to understand first: Even when you disagree, try to understand your partner’s perspective before pushing your own
5. Consider counselling: A relationship counsellor can help you identify unhelpful patterns and develop healthier communication skills
The Power of Small Changes
You don’t need to overhaul your entire communication style overnight. Start by choosing one mistake to work on. Notice when you fall into old habits, and gently redirect yourself to the new approach.
Remember, your partner is not your adversary. You’re a team working together to build a stronger relationship. With patience, practice, and sometimes professional support, you can transform how you communicate.